A new beginning

Here I am again... Fat and deciding it's time to make a change. As I write this I am wearing a pair of size 18 jeans that are tighter than they've ever been before. I am a compulsive over-eater and it has got to stop. In a little over a month I will be 28 and I realize while it's not too late now, soon my metabolism will slow down to the point that if I try to lose weight it will come off at a snails pace. I never have any energy anymore, and for the first time since I was 5 I find that I nap on a daily basis. With winter approaching it's only going to get a lot harder to start to and stick to a diet so I decided while the days are still long I will once again kick my self in the ass and eat better than I have been. I have a big problem with portion control. If I buy a lot of something I eat a lot of something at once. "Leftovers" is not a term that is part of my vocabulary. I don't know if it stems from the fact my Grandmother was a firm believer in the "clean your plate" philosophy or if I eat my feelings... Probably a bit of both. I'm a serial eater. I hide with my food like a drug addict would and I binge to the point of throwing up at times. It scares me. Like an addict, I always swear to myself that each binge will be the last, but the next time I'm in a grocery store or a restaurant I can actually feel my energy increase when I think about gorging myself on whatever fattening foods I can afford. I want to marry my boyfriend someday and I want to be a good role model for our future children. I can't be a good role model and be hiding out in the bedroom eating an entire bag of potato chips simultaneously. Tomorrow is Wednesday, and it's as good a day as any to start taking an invested interest in my health. I've realized lately that I'm afraid to see my friends from back home, because while I've never been thin I've been much thinner than I am now. About a month ago my family gathered at Sebago Lake and it was then I realized just how fat I must be. Usually my aunts comment when I lose weight because they know what an issue it is for me. Hell, sometimes they tell me I look thinner when I know I've lost no weight since the last time I saw them. This time nothing was mentioned. My boyfriend also has issues with food. We don't eat the best when we're together. I hope that when he notices I'm making better choices it will inspire him to as well. I had a garden salad for lunch and when I got home I polished off a stick of pepperoni. While I'm disappointed I didn't opt for throwing it out, I now have no junk food in my possession so from here on out there will be nothing to tempt me unless I buy it from this point forward. I am going to use this blog to not only track what I eat but to also just have a place to explore my thoughts and feelings without boring people or fearing judgement. I think this could be very therapeutic.