I don't want to be always pulling my shirt down over my gut...

I thought the picture above was inspiring... Anyway, I think over-all I did pretty well today. I had a small ham and swiss sandwich and two small coffees for breakfast. For lunch I had a dry Market Fresh Turkey and Swiss sandwich, a diet coke, and some Chex mix. For my afternoon snack I had some more Chex Mix and a can of V8 juice. When dinner rolled around I had a salad from Hannaford. I made sure to stay away from the cheeses and fattening meats. I got chicken breast and fat free Italian dressing in addition to all the veggies. For my snack I had some pickled veggies and a small Golden Delicious apple. I know I'm just starting out, but I feel really upbeat about everything so far. Something seems to happen each day to make me realize how much I hate the state my body is in. Stephanie, a girl I work with is leaving for college and today was her last day. She hugged me and I realized how skinny and small she must look compared to me. My weight issues always seem to be lurking in the back of my mind and hold me back from being content. They can turn the simplest of events (such as a hug) into an opportunitu to make me once again all too aware of my weight problem. I want to be content in my own skin. I won't be until I follow through with getting all the excess weight off. As I said in a post from yesterday, I don't have any illusions that I'll end up looking like a super-model, I just want to be healthy.

What I would look like at 160 pounds

I don't want to be stick figure thin. I would still like to have some curves. I think I weigh about 260 n0w (give or take -- I don't own a scale) so I want to lose about 100 pounds so I am at a healthy weight but still have a bit of curve to my body. I went online and found a composite site that takes your weight and height and creates a scale model... Above is my composite for now and at 160 pounds which is my goal weight.

Reasons I Want To Be Thin

To live longer
To be able to wear cuter (and cheaper) clothes
To be comfortable in my own skin
To not have a gut that hangs over my pants
To feel comfortable naked with Scott
To have more energy
To not be a statistic
I love her, but it hurts that my mom gets more attention than I do when we're together
To feel more confident
I want to be a pretty bride

A new beginning

Here I am again... Fat and deciding it's time to make a change. As I write this I am wearing a pair of size 18 jeans that are tighter than they've ever been before. I am a compulsive over-eater and it has got to stop. In a little over a month I will be 28 and I realize while it's not too late now, soon my metabolism will slow down to the point that if I try to lose weight it will come off at a snails pace. I never have any energy anymore, and for the first time since I was 5 I find that I nap on a daily basis. With winter approaching it's only going to get a lot harder to start to and stick to a diet so I decided while the days are still long I will once again kick my self in the ass and eat better than I have been. I have a big problem with portion control. If I buy a lot of something I eat a lot of something at once. "Leftovers" is not a term that is part of my vocabulary. I don't know if it stems from the fact my Grandmother was a firm believer in the "clean your plate" philosophy or if I eat my feelings... Probably a bit of both. I'm a serial eater. I hide with my food like a drug addict would and I binge to the point of throwing up at times. It scares me. Like an addict, I always swear to myself that each binge will be the last, but the next time I'm in a grocery store or a restaurant I can actually feel my energy increase when I think about gorging myself on whatever fattening foods I can afford. I want to marry my boyfriend someday and I want to be a good role model for our future children. I can't be a good role model and be hiding out in the bedroom eating an entire bag of potato chips simultaneously. Tomorrow is Wednesday, and it's as good a day as any to start taking an invested interest in my health. I've realized lately that I'm afraid to see my friends from back home, because while I've never been thin I've been much thinner than I am now. About a month ago my family gathered at Sebago Lake and it was then I realized just how fat I must be. Usually my aunts comment when I lose weight because they know what an issue it is for me. Hell, sometimes they tell me I look thinner when I know I've lost no weight since the last time I saw them. This time nothing was mentioned. My boyfriend also has issues with food. We don't eat the best when we're together. I hope that when he notices I'm making better choices it will inspire him to as well. I had a garden salad for lunch and when I got home I polished off a stick of pepperoni. While I'm disappointed I didn't opt for throwing it out, I now have no junk food in my possession so from here on out there will be nothing to tempt me unless I buy it from this point forward. I am going to use this blog to not only track what I eat but to also just have a place to explore my thoughts and feelings without boring people or fearing judgement. I think this could be very therapeutic.